here starts a new chapter to my life. school is ending and once again ill weed out the people who i find toxic, stay in touch with the ones who bring joy, and hold on to the ones who bring life.  im realistic in the sense that i know im prob going to drop most of the people in my life, not for the fact that they are toxic, but for the reason that we will just grow apart. 

im tired of always feeling like a burden. i no people dont mean to come off that way, but it is the little things that they say, even unrelated to me, and do that just lead me to believe that im not able to be around much because im a handful.  i no being with me is hard because i cant even be with myself sometimes. i dont look for pity. i look for understanding.

maybe ill find a counselor for my new life and dump everything on them. 

poor thing.

with no longer worrying about school i entend to spend more time doing my hobbies.  i enjoy making things. i also wanna try new things like shooting, or sewing, mixology, or cooking.  my possibilities are endless.

but i spend enough time alone as it is. and no offense to some of the people around me, but i dont wanna be that person with the same complaints and problems as they are always stuck in. i find myself falling into that lately. i dont wanna be. gotta change that too. 

ill set aside money. some for bills and payments, some for new wardrobe, some for travel and everyday adventures, some for “allowance”, and the rest in savings (for grad school, my place, and a new life). i no it seems like im spreading it thin. but bills and payments i have are minimal, and there wont be a continuence of new wardrobe after a certain point, because allowance will cover any additional pieces after that. dont worry. i got this figured out

when i leave, im going to leave most behind, and those who have made me a priority in their life will i reward.

i really wish our love wasnt tainted. now it has left me insecure.  and its all blamed on me.  but i hate it when you love me now because i think she is getting the same thing from you. like what we had wasnt special, but instead the treatment for the flavor of the month. i need to know that it isnt for every one of them. i want to know so much more about where they stand and i among them. i dont know what has led me to be so afraid of letting you go, but it is driving me insane. i need clarity, i need love, i need you and right now i feel like at lost for all three.  

i dont want to fight. so i fight with myself and results in no answers. you not knowing scares me to death just that much more. foundation is cracking and im just frozen in the depths of it. 

i am nothing to you and it hurts so much. thats the reality of it all, or the only thing i can think of that makes sense.  yet when i start to walk you just pull me right back in, like it is all my fault. like im the only one who is holding on here…

i just wait for the next time you screw me over. because im still in love.

i still hate the fact that someone was able to gather the benefits that i worked so hard on. i cannot let this go. it kills me everyday that she had moved in and had gotten what was mine so quickly. i feel hatred for myself for still being in love with you and hatred for you that you made me feel crazy, that you went on so quickly, and i still m just a pawn in this all. i no i wont win in the end, i dont know why i continue to try..

i feel foolish in every way. what i thought was mine is now tainted. i get a disgusted feeling every time i do this to myself

i just pray that you use me up to the point i walk away. i allow you to do this because its my own fucked up way of trying to get over you.

like you even care what i think. or anything about me. you are so good at pretending. and im just too good at being hurt

i want to get a camera… and take a picture of my life thro my eyes. so i can read my story again, relive it again, with every shot i take, looking at it will retell the tale. <3 .close.my.eyes.and.smile.

what does it mean to fly…

the word i have been using a little too frequent for my taste.  why is it ok to hold on to these negative feelings for myself instead of lashing out to those who deserve it? people tend to hold back their feelings so they seem sane. but is it far if the reason why you are feeling not yourself is because of the one who started the craze yet presents it as rational? i dont think it is barbaric to give people what they have coming to them. it takes strength to hold back, but in the chance that it does happen, im going to tell you right now that everyone wants to high five you.  you are not insane for feeling the way you are feeling. there is no norm that you need to fit yourself in.  

when growing up, we are always told as kids, “just be yourself” and yet we learn in life, that you are damned if you do.  there is no win and instead we brush it off with a “fine” or “whatever” or “nevermind”  

now is the moment that i say i be myself… you be yourself… with NO restrictions
stop muffling ourselves. because we are just lying to the only person that can make us truly happy

i had a great thing written up about goals, the new year and change.  tumblr fucked it all up so you are just getting this instead lol my time cant be wasted on something i already did. better luck tmr

i wish you knew how it feels, to watch my prized sheep, just walk right into the lion’s den. ive warned it before, and the sheep knew very well. i cant control it, but it wants to, is willing to, go into there. my hearts breaking, i want to save it, but then the sheep would think me crazy for it. all i can do is sit back and watch, hope it comes back unharmed, still being my sheep that is prized and not something else’s dirty meat.

im feeling a little frisky, creative actually… where are my pastels?! taken sudden interest in van gogh in a different approach 

who is inspiring you?